The Creeping Gayness
by Mortal Anonymous
Summary: SLASH. A thoughtless comment by Cartman, really. Next thing you know a bough of mysterious headaches is striking South Park, and it seems that anyone who gets one turns gay. What could possibly be causing this? That's what Kyle is determined to find out!
1. Commercial Break 1

**A/N:** **This will have many pairings, some I'm for, some that're just popular, etc. But the main focus will be on those dealing with the Boys. Just to let you know it won't really focus on a main couple, but all couples will be gay. Also, this is NOT a self-insert. The character who will be in question is just a stereotype.**

"Dude, have you ever noticed how impossibly gay South Park is?"

Kyle, Stan, Kenny and Butters all paused and looked up from their lunches to Cartman, who'd posed the question.

"What?" Stan questioned flatly, yet bewildered.

"Excuse me?" Kyle questioned, simply bewildered.

"Seriously guys, look around." Cartman went on unphased, gesturing to the lunchroom he'd previously been scanning. "We've got way more homos around here than any other place I know. Big Gay Al, Mr. Slave, Clyde, Craig, Tweek, Pip, Wendy, Butters-"

Here Butters opened his mouth to try and say something, but Cartman just kept on going.

"-Stan, Kyle, Sparky, Token, Mr. or Mrs. or whatever Garrison, only it can't seem to pick a side-"

"Cartman!" interjected Kyle, much more strongly than Butters, "Most of those people aren't gay! You're just listing off people you hate!"

"Nu-uh!" argued Cartman, "I hate Kenny and _he's_ not on my list..!"

"(But I _would_ do a guy if there was money involved, or I was feeling kinky.)" input Kenny.

"Right," agreed Cartman, "which makes you a bi whore which makes you only half gay, which is why you're not on the list of full-fledged homos. But I still hate you."

Kenny furrowed his brow in silence.

"Whatever Cartman," Kyle brushed off, "you're still just naming people off. I mean, how many people are on this list of yours anyway? Everyone I'll bet. Oh, and also, for the twenty trillionth time, Stan and me are _not_ gay, we're best friends."

"U-uh, what about me fellas?" Butters meekly put forth, hoping for some defense.

"Shut up Butters." Stan said crossly.

"Y'know what Cartman?" Kyle went on, "I bet _you're_ the one who's gay. You just accuse everyone else as a way to deny it and hide from the truth. Cuz you're a big baby who won't admit he's got problems like everyone else."

Cartman flustered. "Eh..w..wah..dyeeeh suck my balls, bitch!" he spouted.

Kyle bravely and relentlessly countered, "There's another thing. Why are you always so eager to have me suck your balls? Never anyone else, just me. If that doesn't prove you're gay, I don't know what does. I mean, not only do you want a guy to suck your balls, but you want a specific guy."

There was a brief quiet, then Kenny started laughing himself silly. Stan commented, "..That's gross dude." to the table in general, while Cartman and Butters stared in shock. But Cartman's expression quickly turned to outrage.

"You lame-assed crappy piece of Jew-dus!" he exploded, and leapt at Kyle over the table, knocking them both over and instigating a very violent fight.

Butters cried out and covered his eyes. Stan exclaimed "Jesus Christ!" and gaped at the two tusslers. Kenny just fell off his seat and laughed harder.

…………………………………

Outside the counselor's office, Craig sat by the door and groaned, while inside, Kyle and Cartman found themselves seated in front of Mr. Mackey's desk, where the counselor was addressing them, and seemed to be rubbing away the last of a headache.

"Now boys, you know fighting's wrong, m'kay?" he lectured, "Any problems you have _can_ be worked out peacefully. Would you mind telling me why you two felt the need to resort to violence?"

"Fucking Jew-dus over there called me gay!" yelled Cartman, pointing an accusing finger at Kyle.

"You are gay, Fat Boy!" retorted Kyle, "And stop calling me a Jew-dus!"

"No!"

"Boys, boys..!" interjected Mr. Mackey, "Please, no more name calling, m'kay? Words can be hurtful, m'kay? Now I want you both to calm down so we can talk about our feelings. Now Eric, why do you suppose Kyle said what he did?"

"Cuz he's a Jew-dus, that's why!" Cartman shot.

"Eric.."

"Alright alright, I dunno why. To be a jerk?"

"Dude, you were calling everyone _else_ gay before I said _anything!_" Kyle broke in.

"Kyle, wait your turn, m'kay?" said Mr. Mackey, "Eric, you seem quite upset by Kyle's remark. Do you think maybe it's because you're being defensive? I mean have you ever felt yourself having homosexual leanings? M'kay.."

Cartman blinked. "Say _what_?! I though this was about the fight!" Kyle chuckled at Cartman's obvious discomfort.

"It is." assured Mr. Mackey, "You see sometimes when our emotions are toyed with, we lash out at others, m'kay? When Kyle called you gay, maybe it hit close to home and you lashed out at him because you're already fighting your own inner struggle, and you don't need extra reminders of your stress, m'kay? Like this morning I totally punched out some homeless bitch for that same reason. M'kay."

Cartman, who had been listening with increasing anger, now tilted his head to the side and raised an eyebrow, saying curiously, "Ehh, excuse me?"

"_You're_ having trouble with homosexual feelings Mr. Mackey?" Kyle asked, surprised.

"Huh?" Mr. Mackey questioned, "Oh..uh,no! I mean, uh, forget I said anything, m'kay?"

Seeing an opportunity, Cartman put on a caring face and folded his hands and legs in a business-like fashion. "Ohh, noo Mr. Mackey, please _do_ go on. We're all here to help one another, remember? _Share_ your problems..share them."

"Y-yes that is true..m'kay.." Mr. Mackey fiddled with his fingers, suddenly seeming to be the child here. "Well ok, but only if you promise not to laugh."

"Nooo Mr. Mackey, of _course_ not." Cartman said warmly, "Now please, tell me all about it."

"Hey, wait." Kyle interrupted, "Aren't we getting a little off topic here?" He was ignored.

Mr. Mackey still looked at his hands, but he began to unfold his story to the boys. "Alright. Well, there's this one person, um, guy, m'kay, well, he has a lot of problems, and being a counselor I felt it my duty to help him. M'kay? I mean I like to help people, right? It's my job."

Cartman nodded and motioned for him to continue.

"Right, so I started seeing him for regular appointments. And I really started looking forward to them, m'kay, cuz every time I'd see him he'd _always have_ like a million new little problems, m'kay? I-I just think it's so adorable the way he'd worry about all this stupid stuff, m'kay? I'd never seen anyone so insecure and, I don't know, it just sort of, turns me on, m'kay?"

Kyle was gaping at Mr. Mackey with a look of pure stun. Cartman, meanwhile, nodded and stroked his chin. "Yes, I see.." he said agreeably, "And what was your reaction to discovering you felt these things for this man?"

"Well, at first it was real easy to deny myself, but after a while it just got really difficult, m'kay? Especially once I noticed this guy was continuously looking at me too, m'kay? Like checking me out in the faculty locker room and such." He gasped. "Oh! I see what you're saying, m'kay! You're saying I shouldn't care who I have feelings for, because it's the feelings themselves that matter! M'kay, I should just accept them." He stood, seeming to puff with confidence. "And, since I already know he's got something for me, m'kay, I should stop being a wimp and just go confront him! Well you're right! I'm gonna go do that right now m'kay!" He trooped to the door, added a quick "Thank you Mr. Cartman!" and was gone, leaving the two boys sitting alone.

"He didn't even give us detention. Sweet." Cartman smiled evilly. Kyle continued to stare into space.

…………………………………

School was out. The Boys were running around playing tag by Stark's Pond. Or rather, most of them were. Kyle sat under a tree looking pensive, and didn't react when Cartman ran up and smacked him, then bounced eagerly, waiting to be chased. When Kyle didn't chase him, Cartman got mad.

"Kyle!" he shouted, smacking him again, meanly this time, "Hey, Jew-hole! What the hell's wrong with you? Ever since we came back from the office you been acting all funny!"

Having been jarred from his thoughts, Kyle looked at his friends, all of which had assembled around him to see what the holdup was.

"Dude," he directed at Cartman, "Mr. Mackey loves Mr. Garrison."

"Oh, is that who he was talking about? I wasn't really listening." Cartman shrugged.

"Wait, what?" input Stan, "Mackey loves Garrison? When the heck did that happen?"

"I know dude!" agreed Kyle, "That's what's weird! All of a sudden, bam! Mr. Mackey's gay. You'd think we'd at least have gotten a couple of lead-up episodes."

Cartman scoffed. "So the guy randomly decides he's gay, who cares? Weirder things've happened."

"Yeah but," Kyle pressed, "I can't help but think there's something else to it. Nothing's ever that simple in South Park, and if it is something then I want to stop it before it gets out of hand."

"Forget it." Cartman told him crossly. "Nothing's happening."

"(He's actually kinda right dude.)" Kenny said, "(You don't know if anything's happened yet. It's just one thing; it could be a coincidence. Don't worry about it until you're sure.)"

Kyle mulled this over. "Y'know, you're right Kenny. Thanks."

"Great, now get off your god damn ass and chase me!" ordered Cartman.

"Y-yeah. Yeah, sure." Kyle said, standing, and he ran after Cartman. Kenny followed and Stan was about to, when he felt a hand on his shoulder. Surprised, he turned around, and was even more surprised to find _Gregory_ standing there and smiling at him. Stan gaped.

"Dude!" he exclaimed, "What the heck are _you_ doing back here? I thought you left forever or something!"

"Yes, I was meant to have." explained Gregory, "But I just had to return, I just had to. I had to come back to this place. To you." He stepped forward, causing Stan to step back.

"Um, excuse me?" Stan questioned uncomfortably.

"Oh Stan, don't you see?" Gregory said, suddenly filled with passion. He took Stan's collar and thrust him against the tree. "I love you! I've always loved you! I only ever hung around that bitch Wendy as a means to get close to you! ..Unfortunately you seemed to find me somewhat of a jerk." he added thoughtfully, but then went on, "But that matters not now. I'm being as direct as I can. Stan, I love you. Please say you'll love me back."

Absolutely dumbfounded, Stan started to reply "What? Hell no!" but suddenly a wave of dizziness overcame him, cutting him off. He gave a small groan and rubbed his head, then looked back to Gregory, who still awaited an answer. Stan, now calm, replied, "I..I will. I do. I love you too Gregory, and I always have. Sorry if it seemed like I hated you."

Gregory beamed. "It is of no importance." he said, letting Stan up and then offering his hand, "Come, now that we've cleared that up, let us go celebrate with a frolic through the park."

As Stan took Gregory's hand, Gregory stole a chaste kiss, leaving Stan blushing in shock as he was led away. Meanwhile behind him, his friends ran and played in the snow, oblivious to the whole thing.

…………………………………

The next day, Cartman and Kenny stood alone by the bus stop. Cartman yawned and smacked his lips. Nothing of interest was happening.

Then, after a few moments, Kyle came up to join them. He paused, then approached Kenny and asked, "Hey Kenny. Where's Stan?"

Kenny was taken aback. "(Wha? How the heck should I know?)" he asked back.

"Well, I guess he went home early or something yesterday, so I went to his house this morning to make sure he wasn't sick or anything." Kyle explained, "He wasn't there, and his mom said he slept over at some orange kid's house. I figured she meant you. I mean who else could it be?"

"(I dunno dude but it's _not_ me.)" answered Kenny.

"Don't look now, but here comes your answer." broke in Cartman, indicating screen right. Kyle and Kenny looked, and all three of them stared as Stan took his place at the bus stop, hand in hand with Gregory.

"Hey dudes." greeted Stan casually.

"Yes, good morning to you all." added Gregory politely. They met with continued gawking.

At last, Kyle spoke. "Stan," he flatlined, "where did Gregory come from and why are you holding hands with him?"

"'Gregory'?" questioned Cartman, "Wait, we know this kid?"

Kyle turned to reply, "Yeah, don't you remember? We met him during the Canadian War. After Stan won Wendy back from him, he inexplicably disappeared."

Cartman thought. "Which Canadian War? The one with the internet?"

"No no, the one with the Baldwins and Saddam Hussein and my Mom going all crazy." tried Kyle. "The one that was a musical."

"(And had Kenny dying for our sins..?)" hinted Kenny. He was spared a glance.

"..yeah so, which one?" Cartman asked again.

Getting a bit irked, Gregory cut in, "Anyway, getting back to your question, Stan is holding hands with me for the obvious reason. We're together." Here the gawking began anew. There was silence, silence…

"HA!" burst Cartman, "Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! I knew it! Well Kyle, Stan's seeming pretty gay right here. Where's your defense now? You ain't got nothing!"

"Shut up Cartman!" spat Kyle, "I haven't heard Stan actually say anything about this yet. I know he's not gay; there has to be a reason for this."

"Nn-no dude. I'm gay." chipped in Stan.

Stunned, Kyle turned to face his friend. "W-wha?"

"Yeah, I guess I just, never noticed before." Stan told them, "But then Gregory showed up and told me he loved me and..bam..! I knew." He smiled at Gregory, who smiled back, and the two began a light make-out session. Kyle seemed paralyzed while Cartman went "Eeeew, gross!" and started making gag noises.

Kenny said, "(Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here.)"

…………………………………

Throughout the school day Kyle was filled with more and more disbelief. Stan spent almost no time with the group. He sat with Gregory in class, played with him at recess, walked with him in the halls and ate alone with him during lunch, almost always holding his hand. But it wasn't just Stan and Gregory that were causing Kyle grief.

Everywhere he looked that day it seemed that some new gay couple had sprung up. Pip and Tweek could be seen sweetly gallivanting about. Clyde and Token made out openly by the lockers. Even girls like Wendy and Bebe were seen romancing. Gay couples were everywhere!

That day also happened to hold the record for most students seeing Nurse Gollum about headaches.

As the day ended, Kyle was certain something weird was going on. He, Cartman and Kenny left the building and headed for home, passing Mr. Mackey along the way, who waved happily to them from his clinging position at Mr. Garrison's side. After seeing this, Kyle stopped.

"Alright, that does it." he said, causing his friends to stop also and look back at him, "There is definitely something going on here, and I'm going to find out what."

"Kyle, there's nothing going on here!" whined Cartman, "South Park's the same faggy place it's always been!"

"(No, I think Kyle's right.)" argued Kenny, "(There's _way_ too many gay people for this to be a coincidence anymore.)"

"No! Everything's fine!" argued Cartman, "I'm not going on some crazy adventure to restore the town's heterosexuality! I'm sick of crazy adventures! What do you want Butters?!" he added angrily, for Butters had just meekly come up behind him.

Butters jumped and fiddled with his hands, stammering, "Uh, w-well Eric, I just w-wanted to know if m-maybe you wanted to, uh, come over to my house and..play.."

"Piss off retard, can't you see I'm yelling at my friends?" Cartman shot at Butters. Just then, a wave of dizziness swept over Cartman, causing him to grip his temples. As it passed, he looked to his friends and said, "Actually, know what? Screw you guys, I'm goin' to Butters! Have fun on your stupid adventure." With that he turned, grabbed Butters by the wrist and dragged the befuddled boy off. Kenny and Kyle watched them go.

"Kenny, did you notice that?" Kyle directed to his friend.

"(What, Cartman being a douche?)"

"No, not that." sighed Kyle, "That weird headache he got just before he ran off with Butters. People have been getting those all day long. I think it might have something to do with the gayness problem."

"(..Oh. Well, ok, what're we supposed to do about it?)" Kenny shrugged.

"Let's go look for clues." Kyle replied, "You must know thine enemy before you may conquer him." Kenny stared at him.

Kyle scoffed. "You have to know what you're up against before you take action. Now come on." He trooped off dutifully toward the center of town.

As Kenny followed, he though aloud as something struck him. "(Ha ha. Dude. Cartman, gay. I bet he's halfway up Butters' ass by now.)" Kyle tried not to think about it.

…………………………………


	2. Commercial Break 2

"Aaaauh!" Cartman cried out in pleasure, "Auuh, yes! Yes!"

He hopped off the sofa and spiked his game controller, and then proceeded with a victory dance. Butters watched sadly as Cartman sang, "I beat you, I beat you, ha-ha ha-ha ha ha! I am awesome, you are lame, ha-ha ha-ha ha HA!"

When he tired of his dance, he recollected his controller and plopped himself back on the sofa. "So..rematch?" he offered.

"Uh n-no, I don't think so Eric." Butters responded, "Y-you've beaten me, 117 times. My thumbs're tired, a-an' I don't think I can take much more of your, uh, v-victory dance there."

Cartman glared at Butters for a second, looking ready to bite his head off, but then placed his controller beside him, folded his hands and asked snidely, "Alright, what would _you_ like to do then _Butt_ers?"

"W-we could play Hide n' Seek." Butters suggested.

Cartman stared at him with a mixture of boredom and annoyance.

"House?" Butters tried again.

Stare.

"Space Explorers?"

Stare.

"Well alright, I suppose, m-maybe you're too tired from all that winnin' to do anything really active.." Butters bumped his knuckles together and shifted his eyes. "W-well I, did have a bit of an, a-alterior motive when I, when I invited you over.."

"Oh?" Cartman asked suspiciously, "What?"

Butters cleared his throat nervously. "Y-y'see, I been wantin' to tell you somethin' f-for quite some time now, an' I think I finally, g-got up enough courage to tell ya."

"Fine, fine, so what is it already?" Cartman demanded.

Butters took a deep breath. "W-well," he started, "I-I know you probably don't wanna hear it, but you're a real-a real sweet boy inside, no matter how much you try to hide it by, b-bein' all abusive. I like your abusive side too though. I-in a way you remind me of my parents. Y-you make me feel safe; well, not for my wellbeing some a' the time, in fact you'll probably beat me up fer sayin' this, b-but u-unlike my parents, you got that warm sweetness, deep down inside a-an' I..well I _love_ you for that. You can hate me for the r-rest a' my life, but I ain't ever gonna stop loving you, an' I'm really glad I-I told you." He gave Cartman a sad smile. "Y-you can go ahead an', hit me 'r whatever now."

Cartman, however, seemed to be recovering from another dizzy spell. He looked gently at Butters. "Wow." he said, "Butters. Is that really how you feel?"

"I-I mean every word." confirmed Butters shyly.

"Bu-but I..you..!" Cartman awed, "I treat you like dirt every day! How could you possibly…"

"Aw heck Eric," smiled Butters, "I know you only, do that stuff cuz yer scared of sh-showin' yer true face. But I can still see it, an' that's what I love. The real you. Heh, an' besides, yer real cute when yer scared, y-y'know that? Heh…"

Cartman looked touched. "Wow." he said again, "I mean really..wow. I'm speechless. I seriously have nothing to say."

"Oh, w-well-" Butters started.

"Not a thing." Cartman went on, "Absolutely nothing is entering my mind."

"Yes well-"

"Zippo. I can't belive how empty your confession has left my head. I'm seriously, it couldn't possibly be more empty-"

"A-alright Eric, we get the picture..!" Butters managed to cut in, "I mean 'I'. I get the picture. Uh, s-so, yer not gonna, beat me up?"

Cartman smiled at him. "No." he answered dreamily, "In fact, now that I know you like me, I don't think I'll ever have to beat you up again. Why, I feel like doing just the opposite." As he was saying this, he had been sliding slowly closer to Butters.

"O-oh yeah? And what's that?" Butters asked. He noticed Cartman coming up next to him. Maybe he wanted a hug.

Cartman gripped Butters' chin, turning his head to face his own. "You're so stupid Butters." he said from behind half-lidded eyes, and then his eyes closed as he brought their lips together, moving his arms to clutch Butters to him.

Butters felt his own eyes squeeze shut from a mixture of surprise, disbelief and elation. "Mm..!" he whimpered, the only way he had to express these feelings as he was lowered to the sofa cushions. One arm wrapped its way around Cartman's waist tightly, while the other moved up to clutch Cartman's hat. The hat came off when it was tugged, so Butters dropped it and buried his fingers in Cartman's hair instead, a pleasure he'd never known soaring through him.

…………………………………

Kyle and Kenny had wandered all over town, but couldn't seem to find anything that would lead them to the source of the gayness.

"Damn it, why can't we find anything?" groused Kyle as they walked through town square for what seemed the millionth time. "Usually something blindingly obvious shows up by now." He halted and glared around with his hands on his hips.

Ned and Jimbo pranced by in the background, which Kenny noticed. "(We could try asking people if they remember anything about turning gay.)" he suggested, jerking a thumb over his shoulder, "(We haven't tried that yet.)"

Kyle was busy glaring at the Book Depository, but suddenly his face lit up. "I know! We could try asking people if they remember anything about turning gay! We haven't tried that yet."

"(Dude, I just said that!)" scoffed Kenny, but Kyle had just noticed Stan coming out of a nearby café, yet again hand in hand with Gregory.

"Perfect." beamed Kyle, and he headed over.

"(Rrrrr!)" growled Kenny, but he followed anyway.

"Stan!" Kyle called, catching up, "Stan wait, I need to ask you something!"

Stan and Gregory turned around as they were approached. "What?" Stan asked.

"Do you know why you're with Gregory?"

Stan blinked. "Uhh, cuz, he's my boyfriend?"

"No, I mean, do you remember having any weird headaches, and do you know what might've caused them?" Kyle tried again, "All the gay people seem to be getting them before they turn gay. Kenny and I are trying to find out why."

Stan looked offended. "Dude," he said, "Gay people are gay because they're gay. Not because some weird headache tells them to be. Why can't you be supportive of Gregory and me? Besides, you sure seem to be leaning our way, running around with Kenny all afternoon. We saw you from the café."

"Stan," Kyle said irritably, "I wouldn't give a crap if you were gay. But I _know_ you're _not_ gay, and that something is making you _be_ gay. I'm _trying_ to help you! And for your information, the only reason I'm spending so much time with Kenny is because _he's_ the only one of my friends that hasn't been brainwashed!"

Stan and Gregory both gasped.

"Well," Stan said indignantly, "If that's what you think, then I don't think I want to be your friend anymore! You and Kenny can go be homophobes by yourself!"

"Well argued Stanley." praised Gregory, "Now come, let us be to Stark's Pond before the dusk settles. Our kisses there will cure you of your negative energy." He nuzzled Stan's cheek.

"Haha! Oh, you.." giggled Stan affectionately, and they were off, Stan's head now resting on Gregory's shoulder.

Kyle sighed. "Great. Now my best friend hates me, and we didn't find out anything." he grumbled, "Whose stupid idea was it to go ask people questions?"

"(All you, buddy. Aaall you.)" Kenny told him, thinking that this had backfired quite nicely. Then suddenly he noticed something behind Kyle. He pointed and asked, "(Whoah, what the fuck is that?)"

Kyle turned to look, and his eyebrows jumped up in curiosity. There was a huge beam of sparkling yellow light sticking straight up from the distant forest. Even from where he stood Kyle could hear it hum mysteriously.

"Huh." he said, "Wonder how we missed that." Kenny shrugged, and the two of them wordlessly started for it.

…………………………………

Kyle and Kenny had walked deep, deep into the woods. The surrounding trees blocked their view of anything but the beam of light, the hum of which grew louder with each step they took. At last Kyle pulled one last branch out of the way, and he and Kenny walked into a clearing from which the light emanated.

"Whoah..!" the two of them gushed as they entered.

The beam of light surrounded a giant desk in the middle of the clearing, at which sat a giant tousle-haired young woman, about 15 feet high, in a dark blue long-sleeved shirt and gray pants. Her tousled hair was brown. She scribbled away at a mass of papers she had piled on and around the desk. Kyle and Kenny walked toward her. She heard them and turned around. As she stopped writing the light disappeared.

"Um, hi?" she waved, looking down at them.

"Hi." Kyle returned, "Uh, are you what's causing all the gayness in South Park?"

She blinked unsurely. "Yes.."

"Well can you stop it?" Kyle requested.

"Sorry. No way." she answered.

"Why not?" Kyle demanded, "You said you're the one causing it, so why can't you stop it?"

"Well I _could_," explained the woman, "but why would I want to? Your whole town is happier this way. I'm doing it a favor."

"Huh?" wondered Kyle. Kenny scratched his head.

"Allow me to clarify." the woman went on, "You see, I'm from another universe, and I happen to like looking in on this one quite often. You might say I'm a fan of it. And though I may not be the creator of it, I still have the power to manipulate what happens in it. That's where these things come in."

She indicated to the paper and pencils littering the desk.

"I heard the comment that little Cartman kid said, about everyone in South Park being gay? And I realized, 'Y'know what? He's right! Everyone in this town _does_ have suppressed gaiety in them!' So I started writing. I overwrote the plans of the Original Creators of this realm. I sat here for 28 hours straight, writing so that I could bring out these suppressed feelings and make everyone happy! Not to mention all those little gay couples are sooo _cute_! I even kept it all in character, though I may have tweaked an initial reaction or two.."

Kyle looked aghast. "It's not in character..!" he argued, "People like my best friend aren't gay at all!"

"No, but that Gregory kid sure was, and I couldn't let him be unhappy.."

"Gregory left town ages ago!!" Kyle cried.

The Writer looked sympathetic. "Ohh, do you miss your little friend?" she crooned, "Do you want me to write him out of your mind?"

"No," retaliated Kyle, "I want you to undo whatever you've done to him, and all the rest of South Park."

"Well tough noogies." she huffed, "I'm not gonna do it. With the town's actions being controlled for them, no one will ever be unhappy again. Plus everyone'll be in love! Isn't that sweet? I can't take that away from them." She looked down at them. "Oh, and if you try and do anything to stop me, I'll do this." She picked up a pencil, scrawled a few lines on her paper then turned back and waited.

A second later, Kenny went "(Urk!)" and keeled forward, dead.

Kyle gasped. "Oh my God, you killed Kenny!" he shrieked in horror.


	3. Commercial Break 3

"Oh, and if you try and do anything to stop me, I'll do this." said the Writer. She picked up a pencil, scrawled a few lines on her paper then turned back and waited.

A second later, Kenny went ("Urk!") and keeled forward, dead.

Kyle gasped. "Oh my god, you killed Kenny!" he shrieked in horror.

The Writer smiled. "Sure did! So I guess you'd better think twice before meddling with my homosexual utopia, huh? I could easily make it so no one would even remember you if you died."

Kyle stood, staring blankly. He then looked between his dead friend to the Writer. His brain was whirring quickly, searching for a fast solution. And then he had it.

"You..you're really cold-hearted, you know that?" he asked sadly.

Her eyebrows rose. "Excuse me?"

"Don't you see?" Kyle started, soft music starting to play, "Even if it is in character, you shouldn't conclude our lives for us. It's cruel. If everything was tidied up _for_ us, there'd be no point in living anymore. Not to mention you pairing up all these gay couples. I mean, some of us in South Park might be gay and not know it, but we'll come to that on our own time. Besides, gaiety is natural, not something you force on others for your own twisted amusement. Anyway, by controlling our lives, you make it impossible for any of us to overcome life's challenges ourselves. Sure maybe there are some ways life _should_ be, but if we never screwed up, we'd never learn. And it's really boring when there's nothing to learn. Why, we'd be cancelled in no time if everyone was always happy."

"..Cancelled?" questioned the Writer.

"..Uh, I don't know what I meant by that. Sorry." Kyle responded.

The Writer looked off to the side, contemplating and looking a bit guilty.

"You..you're right, kid." she realized, "It..It is wrong to brainwash everyone like this. I just got so wrapped up in what I was doing that I guess I got carried away." She tugged at her ratty hair before smiling down at Kyle. "I'm sorry I was such a pervert. From now on I'll just enjoy the gaiety of South Park as it comes naturally. Heh. Guess it's a good thing you found me before I got to you."

Kyle looked uneasy. "What were you going to do to me?"

"Well," sighed the Writer, "you and the orange Kenny kid there obviously have hopeless steady love lives, so I was probably just gonna exclude you from society somehow."

Kyle didn't really know how to react to that, so he said, "Uhhh-huh. So..can you get rid of the gayness now?"

"Huh? Oh yeah. Sure." The Writer picked up her documents and shredded them in great clumps.

…………………………………

In town, all of the couples were suddenly getting more sudden spells of dizziness.

As Mr. Mackey and Mr. Garrison came to their senses in bed, Mr. Garrison looked at their situation and commented, "Well, I don't know what we were doing but by all means, let's continue.."

Stan and Gregory came to at Stark's Pond while seated on a bench together. Gregory blinked, looking around. He saw Stan and rubbed his eyes. "Stanley? Is that you?"

Stan rubbed his own eyes. "Gregory? What the hell're you doing back in South Park dude?" Gregory looked around aimlessly, stammering and quite unable to answer the question.

Cartman opened his eyes to find himself holding and kissing a very melty Butters. Quickly, Cartman released his hold, surprising Butters.

"Huh?" Butters asked weakly, "W-what's wrong Eric..?"

Cartman didn't seem to hear him. He was busy gaping at his hands like they were something horrifying and evil. "Aa..aa..AAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" he shrieked, then flew off of the couch and out the door, arms flailing.

…………………………………

Riiiiip!

"There. That's the last one." the Writer said as she dropped the last pieces of torn paper onto her desk.

Kyle smiled, then turned in surprise when he heard stirring behind him.

"(Ooohhh..)" groaned Kenny, getting up.

"Kenny! You're alive!" Kyle cheered. Kenny blinked at him wearily.

The Writer stood from her chair, and, to some confusion, shrank down to normal size. She saw the looks she received. "I'm an interdimensional super being. I can do stuff like that." was her explanation.

"Oh." said Kyle, "Well, can you get us back to town? I want to make sure everything turned out ok."

"Uh, sure, I guess." The Writer gripped their shoulders and the sparkling yellow light engulfed them all. An instant later they found themselves in the middle of town, surrounded by wandering and befuddled townspeople. Their sudden appearance caused the ones nearby to stop and stare. Kyle scanned them over.

"Oh good." he noted with relief, "It looks like nobody's brainwashed anymore."

"What?" asked a random lady, "We were brainwashed?"

"Oh thank God, I thought I'd been drunk again..!" said some guy.

Ignoring that guy, Kyle informed the town, "Yes. You were all brainwashed by this lady here. She went and wrote all sorts of magic things about you so you'd all mindlessly fall in love with people of the same sex and live in blissful ignorance of life. But Kenny and I went and stopped her, so you're all free now."

The townspeople glanced at one another, then glared at Kyle.

"Well what'd you do that for?!" called one guy, "If I was _happy _then why'd ya have to bring me back to stinkin' reality?"

"Yeah!" called another guy, "Maybe we want to have our lives played out nicely for us!"

"I don't care if I was with another woman," called some lady, "I like not being challenged and living in blissful ignorance! It's blissful!"

"And easy..!"

The crowd agreed angrily with itself into silence.

Kyle crossly looked at them all.

"You people are assholes." he told them.

There was a lengthy silence, which was broken when Cartman came tearing through the background from screen right, still screaming his lungs out. Everyone turned to watch, startled.

"AAAAAAAAA!!!" Cartman went, running right past everybody. Then Butters came running from the same direction Cartman had come from, calling feebly, "W-wait Eric! We were havin' a-a real nice time! W-where're ya goin'?? I love you!"

Everyone stared as the little blonde boy ran off too.

"I thought you said you got everybody." Kyle mentioned as he watched Butters fleeing.

"Dude, I didn't do anything to that kid." the Writer replied, eyes also on the retreating boy's back.

"(Eeew, Butters is actually gay for Cartman?)" asked Kenny, disgusted and amused at the same time.

"I..I guess so." Kyle affirmed, then added as an afterthought, "Heh, he is_ so_ going to get beat up tomorrow..!" The crowd muttered and chuckled in agreement.


End file.
